In the cherry blossom's shade, there's no such thing as a stranger... Issa

April 16, 2011

I'm feeling like a single mom...

Happy {cold and rainy} Saturday!

 this is my rant... my getting things off my chest... my I'm done talking til I'm blue in the face
post. I'm sorry for the craziness of it all and I'm sorry for being such a buzz kill.

Lately you may have noticed that I haven't mentioned Shawn in ANY post, well it's because...
I've been feeling like a single mom.

 I can actually see myself as a single mom, and I honestly don't have a problem with it.
 I think I would be a happier person, a happier mom.

Sad I know!!

See Shawn and I really haven't been together very long... almost 2 years.
And yes, we have a 10 month old baby.. which means I got pregnant really fast, in about 1 1/2 months.

We obviously weren't trying or planning for a baby and apparently not preventing it from happening.

Now, before I go on... you must know that my son is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me... he is my life, my heart. I wouldn't know what to do without him and I can't imagine life without him. 
The love I have for him that is unmeasurable.

I do believe everything happens for a reason.
Oliver is suppose to be here, and he was suppose to come from Shawn and I
(even if Shawn and I weren't meant for each other)
It not that I don't love Shawn, I just don't think he is 'the one'.

Shawn is amazing with Oliver, and Oliver LOVES his daddy...
 and for that I have tried to work things out, I just don't think I can do it anymore.

I'm a little over the feeling of living with a roommate.
 I'm ready for a relationship... to be married... to have more children
(you know, the whole house with a dog and white picket fence fairly tale)
Shawn has expressed to me over and OVER again..
 that he doesn't ever what to get married again
and he doesn't want more children.

So, why am I hear? I do I try?
 Am I suppose to just flush my wants and dreams down the toilet for the father of my child?

Because I got pregnant so fast, we didn't have time for the whole period.
Everything was focused on us being parents, that fact that we barely knew each other was put on the back burner. We were going to do what we needed to do to work it out... well that what we hoped for.

Things have come up in our relationship that are inexcusable, and as much as I have tried to work it out and move on... I've tried and I can't. 

When I met Shawn I knew he was married before, and had gone through a divorce. 
It didn't really bother me that he has been married before, I know everyone has a past and things happen.

Well right before the New Years Eve, Dec 29th 2010 to be exact
 I found out the divorce I thought had happened... Hadn't happened at all.
(since then it has been filed, and as far as I know it's final)

Needless to say, I was crushed. My heart was and still is broken.

When I confronted him, he flat out lied to my face, which hurt even more.

The relationship we had changed... in one night.
I couldn't stop thinking that all this time I was in a relationship with a married man.
I had a baby with a married man.
I wanted to pack mine and Oliver's stuff and leave, but had no where to go.
(which is a one downfall from living so far away from family)

It's sad that Shawn doesn't see the seriousness of it all.
He said he was afraid to tell me because he didn't want me to leave.

Well... here I am, 4 months later thinking about leaving.
I'm considering moving back to Colorado, closer to family- my support, my circle, my home.

The thought of moving Oliver away from his daddy breaks my heart, but I can't live like this forever,
and I don't see where things are going to change.

I have embraced the thought and possibly the fact that I'll be a single mama..
I'm ok... it's gonna be OK!

Thank you for letting me rant, thank you for listening reading.
I'm gonna step off my soap box now, and go play with my sweet boy.

Thanks for stopping by...

Peace and Love


  1. Oh wow. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling! It's horrible to be lied to. I'll be praying for you as you decide what is best for you, Shawn & Oliver!

  2. My goodness, this was difficult to read. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and will be praying for you. I'm reading a book, CAPTIVATING by John Eldredge. It has opened my eyes so much about what it means to be a woman and how we long to be treated. Pick if up if you get a chance. Praying for you!

  3. Renae, reading this just absolutley breaks my heart, but through reading this I felt how absolutley strong you are. Please know that I am praying for you. if you need anything at all please don't hesate! I know that now matter what you'll make the right decisions for you and your family! I love you girl!

  4. I had tears in my eyes reading this. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I will be praying for you as you travel down this road of change.

  5. Here is my thought- this is your life, you need to live it and make choices that work for you. Yes you are a mom and you are aware of how your choices effect your child but he wants to have a happy fulfilled mother more then he wants two bitter unhappy parents.

    Can you stay living near Shawn but not be together? Would Shawn let you move (my husband would have me in court if I tried to move with our kids).

    I wish you the best in making your choices, I cannot imagine how hard it is.